Never Insult the Size of a Man'sShip
by Chichaco
Summary: In the AU universe, Killian and Will are lifelong best friends who share an apartment while attending college. They put up with a lot of sass from each other, but Will just can't stop cracking on the size of Killian's...ship. Special thanks to LovingCaptainSwan who gave me the idea, most of the euphemisms, plus a ton of suggestions for improvement. THANK YOU!


Since our intrepid college men are from the UK, all references to football are of course, talking about soccer!

Chapter 1

"So you gotta date with Swan tonight?" Will was stretched out on the sofa, watching the football match.

Killian strode in from his bedroom, "You know I do, you git. I told you we were going for an evening sail on the bay." He shook his head at his roomie, "better than skiving off watching football all day and half the night." Killian laughed, "Our final year in college and you're glued to the telly on a Saturday night."

"Don't knock football just 'cause I'm better at it than you," Will snorted.

"Yeah, what is it they call you on the varsity team? The fumbler?"

"Come on, now, mate," Will laughed, "let's not be bitter because I made the team and you didn't. Playin' on the college team means you have to step your game up a little, and you love playin' with the coeds more than playin' for the team." Will pulled another pillow under his head, and propped his bare feet up on the arm rest at the other end of the sofa. "It's not like you're a high scorer in either, though, innit?"

"You can waste your time running back and forth in the mud, but I prefer the sport of sailing. Swan loves it." Killian retorted as he popped back into his bedroom for his wallet.

Will looked up at him, "Oi, the old 'moonlight sail' move, mate, on your lit'l ship? Planning to top it off by hoisting yer anchor at her place, are ya?" He reached for his beer bottle on the coffee table.

Killian looked down at him, and grabbed the bottle away before Will could snag it. "There's no need to be crude. Emma and I have a beautiful relationship, something that you, sadly, have never experienced. And," he laughed, looking at his friend's torn tee shirt and grubby jeans, "you never will if you continue to look like the slobby wanker you are."

Will grinned and jumped up. "I'm surprised Emma's all that impressed with the size o' yer ship in the first place," he snickered, grabbing the bottle from his roommate.

"You know I keep warning you, never insult the size of a man's ship," Killian flashed his devilish smile at Will as he slipped on his leather jacket, "and for your information, Emma thinks it's a perfect size–in fact she thinks it's rather large."

Will had just taken a swig of his beer, and he spit half of it on the floor in laughter, all the while choking on what he was able to keep in his mouth. He padded back to the bathroom in his bare feet for a towel, scratching his stomach, and he called over his shoulder, "I dunno, yer cannon's not that big, innit? Can't see any lovely lady bein' impressed with that peashooter!"

Killian glared in mock anger at Will's retreating figure. "Remind me again why I let you talk me into sharing an apartment with you while we're in college?"

"Talked you into it? Bloody hell, ya begged me! Hopin' you'd snag me leftover ladies, I guess. Hey, think you'll rig your mast tonight?"

It was Killian's turn to laugh out loud. "Just don't wait up for me," he retorted as he headed for the door, "I may not be home at all–you know how the mast on my ship is once I've raised it!"

"SMALL SHIP!" came the snark from the bathroom.

As Killian left his apartment, he laughed to himself. Why did he ever put up with Will Scarlet as a roommate? But then, what would he have ever done without his best friend? He'd known the bloke since they were in knickers together, back in the second grade, where they'd butted heads over which one of them would someday marry their enchanting young teacher, Miss Blanchard. After a fist fight on the playground that left them both with bloody noses and black eyes, and a trip to the principal's office where they'd both felt the paddle, they ended up as best friends.

All through school they had each other's backs, led each other in countless adventures both within and a little outside the law, served as each other's wingman during high school and college, and constantly bragged about who was the best athlete, fighter, drinker, or lover. The first time Killian fell in love, Will gave him encouragement and even went undercover to find out if the girl was interested in Killian. When Will fell hard, Killian was there to pull him back together when the tramp broke his heart.

Killian remembered with great fondness the time two years ago, when he and Will were new to the campus, and they had wandered into a biker bar called the Rabbit Hole by mistake. It was home base for a biker gang called the Seven Dudes, who, while on the short side, each swung a mean pool cue. When the fight started, as they invariably do in places like that, Will had fought like a maniac, even climbing on the bar and leaping on top of one of the Dudes, named Surley, who was trying to remove Killian's head from his shoulders. Killian had then wisely grabbed his friend by the collar and got them both out of the bar as the wail of police sirens could be heard in the distance.

So, yeah, Killian mused, Will was a right ponce and as annoying as hell sometimes, but the best friend a guy could ever have. And besides, Killian reminded himself, if the tables were turned, he would totally enjoy razzing the hell out of Will–that was a core part of their longlasting friendship.

Chapter 2

It was after midnight when Killian gently opened the door. He was dead tired and he hoped Will was in bed, so he could avoid any questions. But an empty bag from the local fish and chips place was on the side table, and a half-full bottle of beer next to it. The telly was on, and Will was watching intently. "Buggers," he groused, as he looked up at Killian. He hurriedly snapped off the remote, hoping that Killian had not seen that he was watching a cable channel soap opera. He stood up and looked at his friend.

"Oi, home from the sea! So how'd yer date go, mate?" Will asked as he started to gather up the mess on the table.

Killian tugged off his jacket and threw it on the chair, "None o' yer bloody business is how it went," he grumbled. He needed sleep, not sass. "You don't need to know the details of my love life just because you never have one yourself."

Will dumped the trash into the can and turned to his roommate. "Oooh, a bit touchy, are we?  
You're back early, so 'course I'm curious, I thought you told me not ta wait up. Coulda sworn you'd be pitchin'a tent in Swan's sheets by now, an' hoistin' yer anchor, such as it is." Will grinned that infuriating grin, and Killian mentally reminded himself that this was the bloke who'd backed him up that night at the Rabbit Hole.

"A gentleman never tells," he replied vaguely and headed for his room.

Will dumped the trash in the can in the kitchen; he'd empty it tomorrow. "So ya didn't have a good time? Any, 'ahoy matey, hoist the yardarm' or 'my mast is always rigged for you, darlin'?" He asked, as he followed Killian. He lounged in the doorway as Killian pulled off his sweater and tossed it on the floor.

"We had an excellent time, if you must know," Killian grumped as his tee shirt joined the sweater and he kicked off his shoes.

"Does this mean there wasn't time for makin the beast with two backs? No 'ahoy matey, hoist the yardarm' or 'my mast is always rigged for you, darlin'?"

"What is wrong with you, you bleedin' tosser?" Killian gave him a gentle 'back-off' shove in the chest, as he dropped his phone and wallet on the dresser. "This is why you attract more flies than lasses, mate, with daft talk like that." He unzipped his jeans. "I'm going to bed now."

Will pushed off from the wall, and headed back to the kitchen, "Ya mean you didn't show her your old clock what went from 6 to 12?"

Killian spun and stalked back out of his room. "Will, you bloody plonker, if you don't shut it right this minute, I swear..."

Will had his hands upplacatingly as he bounced backwards on the balls of his feet, but he couldn't stop laughing at his friend. "Okay, I surrender!" Killian turned back towards his bedroom. Just as he reached the door, Will called out, "so the next time I see Emma, I shouldn't just totally ask her what she thinks about the size o' yer ship? Find out if it's really big enough for her?"

"I'm going to shove your head in the toilet," Killian growled, stomping back into the kitchen. Will shot past him, just out of reach, into the living room. "Or questions like, 'would you prefer he had a bigger one?' 'Do his cannons really work?' 'How heavy is his anchor?'"

With definite murder in his eye and his fists clenched, Killian strode purposefully towards Will, who managed to slide past him and scarper into his own room, calling, "Oi! Okay, okay, I give! I'm absobloodylutely done! I'm off to bed too, I'm knackered anyway!"

"Yeah," Killian shouted, "knackered from your tv soap opera marathon, you git!"

Chapter 3

It was right after he'd picked Emma up a few nights later for another date that Killian realized he'd left his wallet at home. "I'll just be a minute, love," he told her as they parked in front of his apartment building, praying that Will was not inside. "Just wait here, I'll be in and out." Mentally he could hear Will chortling over that 'in and out' comment.

"Oh, no that's okay," she hopped out of the front passenger seat, "I'll come in with you, no hurry! I've wanted to meet your roommate if he's home–I've heard so much about you two and your legendary exploits–I love the story of how you helped Will persuade that girl to dump the hulking hockey player Kristoff for him–you ended up with a concussion!" She paused for a moment, turned, and kissed him. "You're a true friend, you know that? It's one of your qualities that I admire so much. She held his hand while they walked up the steps.

Killian's fervent prayers were unheard as he opened the door to the sounds of Will banging around in the kitchen. "Just wait here, lass," he stopped Emma inside the door and ran to his bedroom, praying his wallet would be right there on the bed.

'The angels of mercy have abandoned me,' he thought five minutes later when he returned to the living room to find Will and Emma sitting on the couch, chatting away. "Oi, mate," Will greeted him, "Emma and I were just talkin' 'bout your ship! She thinks it's a nice lit'le ship, don't ya, lass?" He stood up and moved away from Emma.

Emma smiled at Killian, "It's a lovely ship, I enjoy it so much. It's perfect for sailing around the harbor."

"Don't think it's too small then," Will continued, giving Killian a snarky smile.

"Oh no, just the right size, it rides so well in the waves," she answered innocently.

Killian tried to smile at Emma and glare at Will at the same time. "We need to get going, if we're going to make the concert in time," he told them. He held up his wallet. "We don't want to miss a single song."

Emma stood up and skirted the coffee table. "I can't wait to hear the band," she commented, "and afterwards you'd mentioned another moonlight sail?"

"Our Killian, he loves his moonlight sails all right. He's mighty proud of his ship." Killian made to scratch his ear, but instead held up a fist towards Will where Emma couldn't see it.

"I understand you play on the school football team, Will. Both of you have interesting extra curriculars."

"Well, o' course, a man has to have other interests in college; can't just lock himself away and study all day and night. I got me balls, and Killian's got his lovely ship." Will looked at Killian with the most innocent but relentless face he could muster. "Docks in the port at full speed, does it?" he asked Emma, smiling from ear to ear and holding on to the the archway that separated the living room from the kitchen. He knew to not get too close to Killian–he could almost see the fiery sparks in his roommate's eyes.

"Oh no," Emma replied, smiling at Killian as he walked towards her, "he slows down nicely just as we get into the harbor."

"Mainsail never gets stuck at half mast, or droops in yer stormy seas?" Will could barely contain his glee, Emma was clueless, and Killian was sure he'd be arrested for a very messy murder the next morning–what would be the penalty for premeditated roommateicide?

"Let's get going," Killian grabbed Emma's elbow and steered her firmly to the door.

"It was nice to finally meet you," she called to Will.

As Emma stepped outside, Killian pointed two fingers at his eyes, then at Will. "Dead man," he mouthed to his friend, who was trying desperately and failing to hold in his laughter, "Dead. Man."

Chapter 4

They decided to call it an early evening, as Emma had some work to catch up on before the next day's classes, so he dropped her off at the dorm as soon as the concert was over, with a promise to go sailing with him that weekend. Killian hit the front door to the apartment just after nine. He steeled himself for another onslaught of sass from his mate.

"OI!" Will screeched, leaping up from the couch and almost falling over the coffee table as Killian shoved the door open. Killian stared in glorious wonder at the petite lass who sat on the couch, right next to the cushion Will had just vacated. The apartment was sparkling clean, Will was wearing a nice shirt and clean pants, and the girl was adorable, her long blonde curls cascading down her shoulders. And, Killian noted with unrestrained glee, there was lipstick on Will's face.

"Well, hello," Killian purred.

Will looked pie-eyed and panic stricken, the girl smiled sweetly, and Killian was inwardly chortling his bloody head off.

"Wha-wha-what are ya doin' home s-s-so bleedin' early?" Will stammered, his face a shade of sunset fire.

With smooth finesse, Killian slipped around the coffee table, sat down next to the young lady and smiled at her. Without looking at him, he reached up and grabbed the front of Will's shirt, and jerked a groaning Will down next to him on the other side.

"I don't believe we've met," Killian's voice was velvet as he reached out to shake the lass's hand, "I'm Killian, Will's roommate and best friend."

"Elsa," her long eyelashes fluttered as she gave him a smile that would bring a weaker man to his knees.

"Killian–Killi–mate–uhm," Will was tugging on Killian's sleeve, but Killian turned and gave him a grin that told Will the bear trap was about to snap shut.

"Well, Elsa, is it?" Killian turned on the charm. "Will's one lucky bloke!"

"Kill-i-an..." Will's voice was tinged with prayerful desperation; he knew what was coming. He tried to stand back up but Killian's hand landed firmly on his shoulder and pushed him back to the couch. All Will could do was sit there and take it.

Killian patted Elsa's hand, "Will and I have been friends since childhood, so if there's anything, anything at all, you want to know about him, just ask me." He grinned in supreme satisfaction over his shoulder at his suffering roomie. "Did you know Will loves to play football? You should hear him yell, 'SCORE!' every time he drives his ball deep into the net. O' course, he doesn't score all that often, do you mate, but once in a while he manages to make it halfway to the goal without too much of a fumble." He smiled contentedly at Will, "You're able to last for the short little drives before you lose your head of steam, aren't you mate?"

Never insult the size of a man's...ship. 


End file.
